Why do people bully?

It is easy to be angry with bullies, especially when we see the damage they cause, but research tells us that the majority of people who bully do so because they don’t feel ok themselves.  Some have experienced trauma, others have been victims of bullying themselves.  Having low self-esteem can lead people to bully as a way of feeling more powerful or perhaps they have poor social skills and use bullying as a way of controlling relationships.  If children don’t feel ok at home they might bully at school as a way of coping with the difficult feelings they are experiencing.  Whatever the reason, more often than not bullies deserve our empathy too.

Often those who experience bullying are targeted because they are perceived as being different in some way.  Being different is not the problem.  The problem is the attitude of the bully.  Whilst we might think we live in more tolerant times many people still struggle to accept difference.  Most people have learnt to keep their personal biases to themselves but bullies haven’t.  Bullying someone because of their appearance, gender identity, sexuality, race, religion and disabilities are all examples of this.  However, being different is only part of the picture because not all people who are different from the crowd are bullied, indeed, many are celebrated so why are some people bullied and others aren’t?

This is complex but having low self-esteem and poor social skills definitely contribute to the problem.   If we don’t believe we have worth why would we expect others to treat us with respect?  If we can’t be assertive we are less likely to be able to stop the bullying at the outset.

How to help your child if they’re being bullied

If you discover that your child is being bullied the chances are you will feel angry and upset which is not surprising.   Some children will avoid telling us they have a problem if they think we will become reactive and charge in to fixing mode.  Somehow we need to appear calm. If this is impossible you can say something like,  “I am so sorry you have been having such a horrid time and it is not ok that you have been bullied.  It is absolutely not your fault and we need to find a way to stop it.  Right now I feel really upset about this so it is probably better if I calm myself down before we make a plan.  What do you need right now?”

When you are both calm try to establish where, when, how and by whom they are being bullied.

If the bullying is happening online it is helpful to gather evidence but then work to get the offensive content removed from their phone/screen.   Take screen shots of the bullying and keep a record of dates.  All of the large social media sites and gaming sites (lots of bullying happens via gaming) have reporting systems and blocking mechanisms to help you get offensive comments removed and stop the bully being in contact.  They are all slightly different but a quick internet search will give you all the information you need.

If they are being bullied in person the most important thing is to find a way to keep them safe.  Is there a trusted adult they could approach if they need support? Is there a certain time and place that the bullying happens?  Could they take a different route to school or join a different activity at break time?  Encourage them to come up with ideas rather than just telling them what to do.  This is important because when children are bullied they lose their sense of power and control and we don’t want to compound this feeling by rushing in over their heads to fix the problem.

What to do when the bullying is happening at school

If your child is being bullied at school you will need to work with staff to stop it.  Rushing in to demand action or retribution is not helpful.  Firstly ask your child which member of staff to approach with the problem – talking to school needs to happen but this way they can at least take some ownership of the process.  Discovering who is their trusted adult on site is helpful because the safer they feel the more likely they are to be honest about what is happening.  Put your concerns across in a calm, non-aggressive way and let them know that you are happy to work collaboratively to tackle the problem.

All schools have a bullying policy which you should be able to access via their website – understanding how they are likely to react is helpful.  Unfortunately most also have experience of dealing with bullying so ask them for guidance on how to approach the problem.  Let school deal with the problem from their end whilst you help your child process the experience, develop strategies, rebuild their self-esteem, improve their relationship skills and learn to be more assertive all of which will help them avoid becoming a victim of bullying going forwards.  This work might be helped by working with an experienced therapist.

What to do if you’re child is the bully

What do you do if your child is the bully?  No matter how ashamed of their behaviour you feel they need your love, help and support.  Blaming and shaming is destructive at a time when we need to be constructive and remember that poor behaviour is often the manifestation of some form of unmet emotional need.  Trying to discover why they felt the need to bully is more likely to lead to a long term resolution.  Use your listening skills to understand what is causing their behaviour.  Is it low self-esteem that’s driving them to put others down?  Have they been bullied?  Do they feel powerless?  Are they afraid of being rejected by a group if they don’t join in with the bullying?  Do they actually realise that what they are doing is bullying and do they appreciate the impact their behaviour has had on their victim?   

If you can remain calm and explore gently you will help your child feel heard and understood which is more likely to lead to productive discussion on what is not working for them and what they could do to avoid bullying again.   If they are doing it for a sense of power and control – explore how they could make themselves feel ok without putting someone else down.  If they didn’t understand the impact of their actions what could they do to make it up to their victim?   Once again this work might be helped by working with an experienced therapist.