I like to think of boundaries as parameters around which we want our children to operate in any given situation. Think of it as a lane. These lanes will vary in their flexibility – in some situations there is a large bandwidth they can operate within, whilst in others the band width is much narrower.   

Let me give some examples. Narrow lanes, in my view, ought to be around tech and managing devices in bedrooms at night – so no devices in bedrooms at night, and all tech is left downstairs. Wider lanes encourage problem solving and responsibility, for example getting up and ready for school, organising their bedroom, how they spend their money.    

We also flex the width of these parameters and lanes with age, stage and maturation. A child who has repeatedly demonstrated a responsible attitude to boundaries may have their lane widened around bedtime, getting homework completed independently, meeting up with friends on a school night.  

If you are struggling to enforce boundaries, it’s worth reflecting on some of these points: 

1. Developing a healthy sense of self- being separate to us is crucial to children learning and discovering who they are. When we don’t set boundaries and try to be our children’s ‘friend’ we inhibit and stop this from happening. Teens who don’t develop a healthy sense of self are likely to struggle with mental health. It’s therefore crucial to be supportive of their inherent need to grow distant from us, while we continue to parent them and provide guidance. 
2. Wide lanes build resilience – the freedom to make choices, make mistakes, face challenges and overcome is the quickest and most sure fired way to raise resilient adults. When we over protect, get over involved, or narrow their developmental lane, we inhibit this process. We end up choking and stunting their growth.  
3. Sharing your experiences is different to oversharing – there is a very clear line between you talking about situations you have faced and resolved and having your child be your confidante. No child should be burdened with adult challenges – whether that’s a poor relationship we have post separation from their other parent, financial challenges, or work. The key question to ask yourself to avoid this is “is this instructive?” “Can they learn something, which is relevant to their own day to day situation?” and “can I communicate it in a way which is accessible for my child to then use for their own personal growth?”  If the answer is not a resounding YES to all, then it’s oversharing. 
4. We’re playing the long game – because we want to raise resilient adults. So, it’s super normal for your children to HATE you regularly!! Children will always push against boundaries, and we need to remain resolute because parenting is about making difficult decisions, rather than looking for the line of least resistance.  

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